Reno's adventures in retail land
by stormus
Summary: Reno does his weekly food shop... and picks up a tagalong.


(No offence meant to anyone likely to get upset by foreign food product names)

Food shopping. The enemy of all humans with their own home and wage. Nothing but a mundane trawl through aisles and aisles of identical products, stocked in uniform lines of corporate desperation. 'What the hell am I doing here?'

Reno wondered this every time he walked through those automatic doors. Why did he go food shopping for himself? There were plenty of supermarkets prepared to deliver his purchases, yet here he was, trailing around behind a trolley that ate a gil piece just to get it out of the line. Maybe it was something to do with that stupid desire to do things for himself. 'Could I be any more misguided?'

He snapped out of his thoughts, avoiding an old woman with a pull trolley, narrowly missing a box of mangoes in the process. Damn food shopping!

Huffing, he stopped beside the fruit stand, picking up an orange and tossing it in the air. 'Fresh fruit? Tseng said it's a good idea, but green stuff tends not to agree with me. Why live dangerously?' It fell back in the box, potentially bruising several more.

Reno hunched his shoulders, already sick to the back teeth of this tedium. Nothing interesting ever happened while food shopping. Supermarkets were full of annoying old women and malcontent shop assistants. What's more, there were always kids. Thousand and thousands of kids, all screaming because their parents wouldn't buy them a bar of chocolate or some other stupid thing. This supermarket was full of them.

The other Turks shopped at classy supermarkets, ones which sold champagne and fruit without maggots in it. Reno shopped in the most downmarket one of all, the one that sold stuff from Costa del Sol and sacks of grit from Corel. There was no real reason for his patronage beyond liking all the funny names of products from all over the world.

Grinning, he picked up a bag of biscuit eggs and chuckled at the name, "Scabbiear?" He said aloud, "Sounds painful." and tossed it in his trolley, purely because he couldn't be bothered to put it back.

"That stuff is nice." He span round, his blood freezing to see a little girl standing behind him, her hands clasped behind her back, looking up at him with sparkling blue eyes, her blonde hair in pigtails.

'Uh oh.' He thought, 'Little girls with sparkly blue eyes and pigtails, wearing pink dresses are trouble. A kid that cute is up to something.' Frowning, he leant against a cardboard box full of Mr. Grainy cereal, "Don't do that hand thing. Hands behind backs like that mean trouble, and I have enough of that already."

"You like chocolate too?"

"I don't have to answer that."

She seemed unfazed by his hostile behaviour, rocking back and forth on her shiny, patent leather-clad feet. "I tried those egg things before. They're nice."

"Vamoose." With that, Reno turned away from her and stalked off down the aisle, shoving his trolley in front of him.

Damn kids and their 'I don't know when I'm a pain in the ass' attitude.

"Where you going?"

He looked round to find the girl following him, curious blue eyes watching his every move. Why'd she find him so dammed fascinating? "I'm going wherever you're not, so," he stopped, grabbed the top of her head and about turned her, "get lost and find your parents."

She didn't say anything to that, wandering off the way she had come. Reno relaxed, half-assedly straightening his jacket and continuing on his way to the sausages.

Fruit and vegetables could go back to whatever holes they grew out of, but meat products were always welcome. There was nothing could match ham and cheese on cake bread, and that was exactly what the doctor ordered. Reno thought this as he perused the meats. He grabbed some Brockwurst sausage and tossed it in his trolley, closely followed by a salami, the thought crossing his mind that if any more kids came asking questions he could use it as a club.

"I don't like salami."

He cringed, glancing over his shoulder to see that girl looking back at him from hip level. "You again! I thought I told you to get lost?"

She nodded, "You did. I don't want to look at toothpaste."

Somewhat unhinged by that random remark, Reno stalked off, minded to lose her at the cheese aisle. Unfortunately she was adept at weaving in between trolleys and agitated sales assistants. This skill just annoyed Reno further, the Turk quickening his pace to the far wall where he turned on her, "What is this? You don't have a hobby or something? Get lost and find someone else to piss off!"

"You said a naughty word!"

"I got a whole lot more where that came from, kiddo." He shook his head, collapsing to lean against the wall. This was the problem with food shopping. Kids. Sighing, he looked round as a shop assistant smacked him in the shoulder with a door. Of all the luck he'd gone and leant too close to the storeroom. Of all the luck...

An idea formulated suddenly, Reno turning to his tag along, "Hey, I dare you to go in the storeroom."

The little girl looked shocked, glancing at the forbidden door in awe, "That's naughty."

"Sure is. Go ahead."

Cautious, she did as she was told, Reno leaping for his trolley and snatching the Brockwurst sausage and tying the door closed. "That ought to hold her."

Smug, he wandered off to search for cheese.

----------------------

If he had a list, then ice cream would follow cheese on it. As it was, he found improvising that much more entertaining. You never knew what you would come back with! So Reno found himself eyeing a box of four flavour. "Hmmmm... Do I really want shfleis?"

"Ice cream?"

He dropped the box, spinning round to see sweetie Mcsweet standing behind him, still doing that hand thing. "What? How'd you get out of my Brockwurst!" He demanded.

She shook her pigtails behind her shoulders. "A shop man let me out."

"Damn his eyes."

"Are you going to get ice cream?"

"None of your damn business!" Another idea formulated, even as he snapped at her. First, to get rid of the mess. "Come here."

She did as she was told, curious as to what Reno was up to, examining the broken ice cream packet on the floor tiles as he was. He looked round at her suddenly, "Now, I'm gonna hoik this here freezer up, and I want you to kick the ice cream under it, kay?"

She nodded, Reno bracing his shoulder against the freezer and pushing it back against the wall to lift the edge. She kicked the ice cream box under it. Reno was happy, "Nice job. What's your name?"

"Lara."

"You ever been ice skating, Lara?"

She shook her head, "No."

Reno grinned, opening the freezer and picking her up, dumping her to stand amongst the ice cream. She looked confused, especially when he called to the nearest shop assistant, "Sir! Oh, Sir! This is awful, just terrible. I thought your supermarket had more respect for its customers than to let kids dance in the ice cream. What if it's contaminated? What if I get food poisoning? I smell a lawsuit."

The shop assistant was hasty in pulling Lara out of the freezer and reprimanding her, dragging her off to the manager's office for a stern talking to.

"Heh heh, Reno, you are good."

----------------------

Next stop was the booze and magazine section, Reno unable to help himself and making off with a crate of Wodka. Tseng and his supermarkets that sold Vodka. Where was the fun? He gave in to his more primal urges and got a couple of publications down from the top shelf. He judged them carefully, "A choice has come my way." he murmured to himself, "Do I want Girlez, or sexe?"

"Naughty magazines are dirty!"

It wasn't possible. He turned quickly, recoiling to see Lara frowning at him. "Gah! You again!"

She stuck her hands on her hips, giving him that look Mrs Appleheimer used to send his way just before tanning him with her measuring stick in front of the class, "Naughty magazines are bad! My daddy said that only sad, pathetic single losers have them, and that they keep them under their mattresses!"

"There's nothing wrong with liking the human body, specifically that of a curvaceous woman, but I refuse to have that conversation with you until you're at least eighteen, and seeing as I don't want to see you again, ever, that's never!"

Lara stood her ground, raising her voice to that high pitch only children can, "You're looking at dirty porno, that's naughty!"

Reno matched her pitch somehow, "There's that word again! Dirty, naughty, make up yer dammed mind!" He cleared his throat, shrugging his jacket onto his shoulders, "Besides, it's classy porno, so it's not porno, it's erotica which is art. So I'm classy, not dirty, if you understand what I mean."

"I don't, and you're looking at porno."

"I thought we already established the fact that it's erotica, but if you want to bring me down to that level, then yes, I'm looking at porno. So what!" He grabbed the nearest adult, pointing at himself, "You see me, " and holding up one of his magazines, "I'm looking at porno!"

The poor man, possibly in his mid fifties, peeled Reno's hand from his jumpered upper arm, walking away slowly. "Good for you buddy."

"You see? Grown men can look at porno and nobody cares!" That said, he turned back to his trolley and started on his way.

Lara seemed to have forgotten the whole debacle, glaring critically at his shocking red mullet. "Why do you have stupid hair?"

Reno spun round, snorting deep in his throat. HOW DARE SHE!

Still, he controlled himself, slinking away as quickly as he could, Lara tugging on his sleeve and presenting him with a spray bottle. "What is this?" He read the label, "Bug spray? What the hell?"

"You look like a bush, so you need to keep the bugs away or they'll eat your leaves."

"No bugs are gonna snack on my leaves. Besides, it's rude to call a guy a bush. I prefer shrub, now amscray."

Of course she ignored him.

----------------------

By now he had everything he wanted, so made for the checkout. Lara helped him unpack his shopping onto the conveyer belt, no complaints from him as he took things off her and dropped them in a haphazard pile.

He opened one of the many packs of cigarettes he had picked up and stuck one in his mouth, lighting it and taking a well-deserved drag. 'Drudgery over for another week.' He thought to himself, sighing in relief.

The checkout boy frowned at him, "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to put that out."

Reno took his cigarette from his mouth and looked at it. "In that case I'm going to have to ask you to bend over so I can shove it straight up your ass." The whole situation was quickly forgotten.

Lara followed Reno to the automatic doors. Her hands behind her back the whole way. He didn't care anymore, lugging several bags with him, savouring his cigarette. "Buh bye!" Lara sang, Reno looking round at her and raising one eyebrow,

"You're not going to be here this time next week, are you?" She shook her head. "Good. Then bye. It's been real."

Lara patted him on the back and wandered off. He returned the gesture.

Reno chuckled, reaching up behind his back and pulling a piece of paper off it. 'Kick me' it read. He shook his head, "Nice try, kid, but I saw it coming a mile off." He said to himself, scrunching the paper up in his hand and tossing it in the general direction of the bin, "But I'm the master. You can't beat me." He took his cigarette from his mouth, an impersonation coming on, "As long as I'm around you'll always be second best, see."

Lara didn't notice the 'Factory reject' sign stuck to her back with chewing gum until her father pulled it off at the frozen chicken section...

(NOTE: Well, well, well. For those of you that made it this far, here's a little supermarket fun. A similarish thing happened to me and my man when we were shopping in Lidl the other day. A little girl latched onto us and didn't go away until we were outside making like trees. Not quite the same as Beer cannon, I'll admit. That was a one shot madness.)


End file.
